A letter from Bridget Jane, describing her fears and emotions during her transition, and why she commends Trans Form
for offering hope and education to others. Do you have questions for Bridget Jane? Please email us at questions4newsuit@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
10/29/10
An open heartfelt letter to Ms. Rebecca Kling and the New Suit Theatre Company
Back in 2006, the early days of my transition, I was having an extremely difficult time accepting the idea that I was and am transgendered. I was plagued with doubt, shame, guilt and anxiety and I began to have nightmares - horrific sweat drenched nightmares about death and dying. I was petrified to say the least and I despised myself for feeling weak, but I knew that I needed help.
At that time, I was too afraid to seek out therapy for fear of exposing my secrets and weaknesses, and so, I found myself combing the book stores for help.
In my search, I found an ample supply of books on the subject, but most were written by psychologists - professionals on the subject of gender in general. I found a few books that were written by spouses of transexuals and even one book on the history of transexualism in the world. And of course there were many books on cosmetics and clothes. And although these books were educational and somewhat helpful, I found none of them to be what I was looking for. I needed something else. I needed the personal experiences of others, other transexuals who had gone before me, but there were none to be found and so my search continued.
I recall at one point in my quest, where I was perusing a psychology book on transexualism when I came across a list of the negative side-effects of being a transexual and sure enough, there they were, all of my symptoms lined up neatly in a row. And they were: depression, low self-esteem, profound guilt & shame, high anxiety, fear, nightmares, night terrors, night sweats, panic, cutting, suicidal tendencies and suicide. Now ordinarily, that is a very frightening list to say the least, but to me, that list was somehow comforting. It actually gave me hope. It helped me to see that these symptoms weren't just in my weak mind and imagination but that they were real. These symptoms and this data had come from actual documented cases of real people, real transexuals and therefore I was not alone. I had been validated.
From that day forward my life changed for the better. Soon after, I was able to face my fears and seek out a therapist and on the day of my first appointment, I cried and cried at the idea of finally being able to speak and expose my deep dark secrets and my deep dark hidden self.
And so, from out of a list of negative frightening side-effects, the dark side of being transgendered, I was able to rise up, stand my ground, get help and ultimately accept and learn to love myself for who and what I am. And therefore, it is there, in the dark side of transitioning on which I dwell in my writing. I believe that there is knowledge and strength for others in the baring of ones soul, pretty or not, and I commend and greatly admire Rebecca Kling and the New Suit Theatre Company for giving her a platform on which to share and bare her soul in her upcoming show Trans Form. I salute her, thank her and appreciate her, for she is what I sought all those years ago and still seek to this day.
I would be honored and grateful to support her in every way that I am allowed.
Sincerely,
Bridget Jane
Trans Form
debuts on November 5 in Chicago, and runs through December 5. Tickets and more information are available here.
